"Its origin and purpose, still a total mystery" from 2001: A Space Odyssey

The 2001 edition of the

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BEST/WORST LIST

will NOT be presented this year.

Why not?

Because, frankly, for most of last year the comic sucked!

The year 2001, as measured by Sonic issues 92-105, has to go down in the record books as the WORST year for the comic in its entire history. It may not have been the worst in terms of sales but certainly in terms of content. The writers, Ken Penders and Karl Bollers, went through plot points as if they were disposable diapers. Story elements kept popping up, being misused, then simply left around to be forgotten. Rather than adjust their stable of talent to better accommodate their production schedule, the artistic chores were increasingly entrusted to Ron Lim, an artist who has demonstrated no flair whatsoever when it comes to drawing the central characters of the book. This amid the chaos that ensued when Jim Fry was let go for not being able to make said deadlines and while Ken Penders underwent surgery followed by a move to California. As year's end approached, Karl eliminated a number of useless characters who were never well-utilized to begin with, and Justin sent the cover story on a two-month vacation in the hope that it would help. It didn't; the final issue for the year, #105, was as much of a muddle story-wise as before, nor had Ron Lim gotten any better in drawing the main characters of the book.

So because of this depressing state of affairs, plus the fact that the end of the Specials means the rethinking of the categories I'd been using, there will be no Best/Worst List for 2001. Instead, I'm taking my cue from Esquire magazine's annual Dubious Achievement Awards, which celebrate the foibles, follies and fools of the past twelve months. There's no better way to address the year that was 2001 than by resorting to that format.

But there was one bright star on the horizon, which brings us to our first entry:

PERSON OF THE YEAR

"BABY, YOU'RE THE BEST"

Plucked from the obscurity of fandom by the need to find somebody to draw the comic while Ken Penders was on the Disabled List, Dawn Best was the best thing that happened to Sonic in 2001. She brought a fresh, furry drawing style to a comic which had been drawn, since the departure of Art Mawhinney, mainly by artists who demonstrated no real touch for drawing Sonic. It's too soon to argue that this represents the opening shot of a revolution, but the fact that Archie has engaged the services of a second fan artist, J. Axer, for 2002 shows a possibility that the fans may be on the verge of taking over a comic that has been badly mishandled by the so-called "professionals."

Just HOW badly?

"HELLO, I MUST BE GOING. I CANNOT STAY, I CAME TO SAY I MUST BE GOING." GROUCHO MARX, FROM "ANIMAL CRACKERS."

In Sonic #92's "The Wrath of Khan," Monkey Khan shows up, smacks Sonic around, then leaves and is promptly forgotten.

USE IT OR LOSE IT.

Thanks to Michael Higgins's artwork in "Wrath of Khan," both of Tails's tails disappear in one panel.

AND WHEN SONIC WOKE UP, HE HAD TO CHANGE HIS BED LINEN.

"Premonition," a "Sonic Shuffle promotional tie-in" that ran in S92, opens with a scene of a train chasing Sonic into a tunnel.

HAVING OBSERVED THE EDITORS AND WRITERS OF ARCHIE COMICS FLOUNDERING AROUND WITH NO DIRECTION, HE DECIDES THAT IF THAT MANAGEMENT STYLE WORKS FOR THEM IT OUGHT TO WORK FOR HIM.

In Sonic #93's "Crime 'n Punishment" [sic], Geoffrey talks Elias into letting him call the shots while the inexperienced Elias assumes the paralyzed King Max's responsibilities as monarch. Karl Bollers never really gets around to explaining Geoff's motivation.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT "PHOTO"-SHOP?

Ken Penders relies on scanned-in images of forests, skyscapes and landscapes as backgrounds for S93's "Bagging the Big One." He hasn't used the technique since then.

THIS IS WHAT'S KNOWN AS A "SWEEPING INDICTMENT."

In "Bagging The Big One," Gala-Na takes it upon herself to declare that Knuckles, "wield[ing] power far beyond your comprehension," represents "a danger to everyone and everything."

TOO BAD. MIKE GALLAGHER WAS PLANNING A SONIC CROSSOVER VERSION OF "THE BREAKFAST CLUB."

Starting with S94's "New Order," the Freedom Fighters start attending Knothole High School. After S96 this plot point is promptly forgotten.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WATCH "TOONAMI"BEFORE DOING YOUR BACK-TO-SCHOOL SHOPPING.

On the cover of S94, Mina is wearing a sailor suit which nicely matches her lavender hair, with a Hello Kitty(tm) on the skirt.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WATCH A "BEVERLY HILLBILLIES" MARATHON BEFORE DOING YOUR BACK-TO-SCHOOL SHOPPING.

Proving that Knothole High has no dress code and that somebody has no taste, Bunnie shows up for the first day of school wearing a polka-dot halter top and jean shorts. The fans think she's dressed like a slut.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE EVER FILED A REPORT WITH THE OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

Athair, invisible to everyone else, kidnaps Tails as the Knothole High School Hall Monitor looks on. Sonic doesn't notice that his best bud is missing until the next issue, where after worrying about him for a panel or two the plot point is promptly forgotten.

"I REMEMBER LEAVING IT RIGHT AROUND HERE...SOMEWHERE...."

Thanks to a communications break-down Ron Lim draws S94's "The Best Laid Plans," where Knuckles is subjected to the effects of a Chaos Syphon, without actually SHOWING the Chaos Syphon.

"IF YOU HAVE A FEELING YOU JUST CAN'T DESCRIBE, YOU MIGHT JUST BE, I DON'T KNOW, KIND OF LIKE, MY SENSE OF IT IS, MAYBE...." STEPHEN KING, ON WRITING, P233.

"It's like someone flipped a switch...and now everything's...different." Knuckles's not-very-helpful description after having been subjected to the Chaos Syphon.

WHICH OF THESE TRITE EXPRESSIONS WAS NOT USED IN "BEST LAID PLANS":

A: "Best laid plans"

B: "Bloody well right"

C: "Party hearty"

D: "The readings are off the dial"

Answer: C, because it was spelled "Party hardy"

IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?

"Boy, you sure hate [Robotnik], huh?" Bunnie to Sonic, in "Enemy Mine," S95.

"PEARHAPS EEF YOU WARE TO LOSE ZE AUSTRALIAN ACCENT AND TAKE ZE LESSON OR TWO FROM PEPE LePEW, YES NO?"

Sonic wonders out loud in "Enemy Mine" whether Geoffrey St. John will put the moves on Sally. After one panel of worrying and no sign of Geoff doing anything remotely romantic in the comic, this plot point is promptly forgotten.

AND WHEN THEY HATCH, THEY'LL HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES.

The last panel of "Enemy Mine" shows Uma Arachnis's egg sacs. This plot point is then promptly forgotten.

CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEBODY DIDN'T LOOK AT THAT SENTENCE AND WONDER WHAT WAS WRONG WITH IT.

"Can't believe Dad would put me through the ringer." Knuckles, in S95's "When Destiny Calls," using the word "ringer" instead of "wringer."

"WE KNOW THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH USHERING IN THE GREAT HARMONY, AS IT SAYS IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION, BUT HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT KICKING ASS?"

Despite having to cut it from 66 pages down to 24 pages, Ken Penders decides to work the Chosen One story arc, which he didn't get to use in the Knuckles comic, into the current Knuckles continuity.

"I'M SO TIRED, I HAVEN'T SLEPT A WINK."

Tails is knocked unconscious early on in "When Destiny Calls." He'll spend half his time in this story arc unconscious.

BLUE'S CLUELESS

[Enter Geoffrey]

Geoffrey: "All right, boy, how did he get there?"

Sonic: "Uh...how did who get where?"

Geoffrey: "Blast."

[Exit Geoffrey]

The entire interrogation scene from S96's "The Messenger"

ENCORE, ENCORE!

"Has Princess Sally contacted you lately? Guess not. Don't be late to school."

More pointless words by Geoffrey.

DEAR MR. MERLIN PROWER: NOT ONLY ARE THERE NO OPENINGS ON THE HOGWARTS FACULTY AT THIS TIME, BUT AFTER READING YOUR RESUME I SUGGEST THAT YOU DIRECT YOUR SEARCH FOR EMPLOYMENT TOWARD A FIELD MORE SUITED TO YOUR ABILITIES, SUCH AS SHOVELING DRAGON DUNG. SINCERELY, MINERVA McGONAGALL, DEPUTY HEADMISTRESS.

Ken Penders didn't write an incantation for Merlin Prower to recite to call forth the Chosen One in S96's "The Chosen One" and wanted the audience to submit suggestions.

AFTER READING WHAT KEN PENDERS HAD JUST WRITTEN, HIS NURSE DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO ADJUST HIS MEDICATION.

"Says who? Any mug who decks me sure ain't a friend so you better get ready to rumble!!!" Knuckles, from "The Chosen One."

THE 74^TH LAW OF ACQUISITION: "DON'T LET YOURSELF BE SEEN WORKING IN SOME LAME-O COMIC BOOK."

For S97's "My Secret Identity," Nelson Ribiero managed to make Snively look like a Ferengi.

HE'D HAVE CALLED HIMSELF "SMELLY" BUT NATE TALKED HIM OUT OF IT.

For "My Secret Identity," Sonic assumes the identity of a comic book-type superhero named "The Sneak," apparently after his footwear. By the end of the story Sonic has hidden his costume and this plot point is promptly forgotten.

"I'M NOT HE AS YOU'RE NOT HE AS YOU'RE NOT ME AND WE'RE NOT ALL TOGETHER."

It turns out that the reason Knuckles can defeat Tails in S97's "To The Brink" is because Tails "is not the Tails of THIS world, but instead some other-worldly duplicate."

THAT'S WHY "LOOSE CONTINUITY" WAS CREATED.

Ken will get around to explaining the Tails-isn't-Tails plot point some time next year. Maybe.

THEY WANT WHAT THEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT.

Sega demanded a Sonic Adventure 2 adaptation, despite the fact that it totally jazzed up the comic's continuity and screwed up plans to have the story line climax with issue #100.

AND WE KNOW WE CAN TRUST THEIR JUDGMENT IN BUSINESS MATTERS.

Sega announces that they will discontinue manufacturing video game hardware, and will concentrate on marketing games instead.

THE EXECUTIVES AT ARCHIE COMIC PUBLICATIONS, HOWEVER, ARE AS BIG A SET OF BOOBS AS THEY EVER WERE.

For her one-panel appearance in the Sonic Adventure 2 adaptation in S98, Rouge the bat's design was changed in order to de-emphasize her ample bustline.

ACTUALLY THEY WERE BROUGHT IN TO SEE IF KING MAX WAS REALLY LIFELESS BELOW THE WAIST.

A group of dancing girls makes an appearance in S99's "Blow by Blow" for no apparent reason. One of them gives her costume to Sally, the others make pointless appearances in a few panels and are then promptly forgotten.

IF KEN PENDERS HAD WRITTEN FOR DIRTY HARRY HIS MOST FAMOUS LINE WOULD HAVE BEEN: "GO AHEAD ... MAKE MY DAY ... AND THE FIRST TWO DON'T COUNT."

"Take a guess, and the first two don't count." Knuckles, totally screwing up the joke in S99's "What Comes Around Goes Around."

WHICH MEANS THAT ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001, ALMOST THREE THOUSAND PEOPLE AT THE WORLD TRADE CENTER "EVOLVED."

"My bodily functions may have ceased, but I'm evolving." The ghost of Hawking, in "What Comes Around Goes Around."

IF THEY LIKED IT ONCE, THEY'LL LOVE IT TWICE.

Sally falls to her "death" in S100's "Reunion."

HE ALWAYS DID HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS.

"It's been a while, Princess." Sonic's first words after Sally's resurrection in "Reunion."

THEREBY NEATLY SUMMARIZING THE ARCHIE COMICS EDITORIAL POLICY REGARDING SUCH GOINGS-ON.

Knuckles and Julie-Su actually get to embrace when they're reunited in S100's "Welcome To The Dark Side." For her part, Lien-Da says "Oh, gag me!"

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A "YES."

"You have transcended your corporeal shell, my son." Hawking's answer to Tobor's question "Am I dead, Father?" in "Welcome To The Dark Side."

MELTS IN YOUR MIND, NOT IN YOUR HAND.

S101's "Altered States" cycles through half a dozen different continuities and doesn't move the plot anywhere.

WHAT A CONCEPT!

After playing it by ear for something like 100 issues, Ken Penders starts compiling a Character Bible for the comic, pages of which appear in the comic book at the expense of the back story.

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Knuckles projects himself into the past in S101's "Reboot" where he learns you can't alter the past without dire consequences.

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Knuckles projects himself into the past in S102's "Life's Realities" where he learns you can't alter the past without dire consequences.

HERE'S YOUR HAT, WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?

Geoffrey St. John is granted a medical leave as he, Hershey and Wombat Stu succumb to a nanobot infestation in S102's "Family Dysfunction."

"I DON'T KNOW, SONIC. MY DOOHICKY BLEW A FUSE, MY RAZAFRAZIT IS MISSING A THINGAMABOB, AND DON'T EVEN ASK ME ABOUT MY GEEGAW!"

"Heavy and Bomb have taken the Royal Family hostage, gang! Rotor...Tails...can you whip up a gizmo to help stop 'em?" Sonic giving detailed instructions to Rotor and Tails in "Family Dysfunction."

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Knuckles projects himself into the past a second time in S102's "Life's Realities" where he learns you can't alter the past without dire consequences.

MICHAEL SILBERKLEIT, HOWEVER, HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO DENOUNCE THE SEQUEL WHERE SONIK AND SALETA SHARE THE SAME BODYSHELL.

Mike Gallagher's "Freedom Fighters of the Galaxy," a goof on the"Guardians of the Galaxy," runs in S103-104 as a break in the continuity.

"WHAT? A 300-METER-TALL GIANT TURTLE WREAKING HAVOC IN TOKYO BAY? I THOUGHT HE WAS IN REHAB!" [THE PRECEDING LINE COURTESY OF THE E-STRIP "MEGATOKYO"]

Mike Gallagher's "Myth-Taken Identity," a Downunda Freedom Fighter story, runs in S103-105 as a break in the back story continuity.

APPARENTLY, RON LIM THOUGHT THAT KING MAX WAS PARALYZED FROM THE NECK DOWN.

In S105's "You Say You Want A Revelation?" King Max is only able to register emotion by raising or lowering his eyelids.

FOLLOWING THAT KIND OF LOGIC, IF YOU DON'T RESIST A RAPIST YOU WON'T GET PREGNANT.

Ignoring the previous 104 issues of the comic, Robotnik declares that those who want to be roboticized don't lose their free will after all.

NICE TO MEET YOU. WHO AM I?

In "You Say You Want A Revelation?" Robotnik tells Hope he'll roboticize her grandmother Agnes unless Hope giver herself up. One page later, he roboticizes Agnes anyway. He also threatens to roboticize all the Overlanders, then later says they can either stay and be roboticized or they can leave. Anticipating what's happening to the audience for the comic, the Overlanders walk out on him.