And now, on the advice of the 13^th Doctor we present

THE 2013 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG COMIC BEST/WORST LIST

Yes, your humble reviewer follows the Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic Universe comics to Hell (we make the flip trip next year) to point out the good and the “Good grief!” of Sonic #245-256 and Sonic Universe #48-58 inclusive. So let’s wave good-bye to a comic that’s been around for two decades before it turns into … nobody knows what. But that’s next year list.

BEST STORY: “All For One: Part 4,” Sonic Universe #49

This is one of those rare stories where the Sonic comic finally lives up to my hopes for it. Mighty is in double jeopardy, threatened with physical harm of the extreme variety after apparently failing to get through to his long-lost kid sister, Matilda, whose affect is as flat as a comic book page. But something clicks with Matilda and she comes roaring to life, more life than I’ve seen in this comic in a while (Note: life in this case is not the same as “action,” it’s something more than mere action). The key moment is after the battle when Matilda and Mighty are reunited in hospital and Matilda does something she never did in her whole history in this comic: she smiles! It’s a weak smile, considering she lost a cybernetic arm by punching out an artillery shell, but it is perfect. Sonic comic stories rarely earn a perfect triple 10 from me; this one did.

WORST STORY: “When Worlds Collide: Part 11,” Sonic Universe #54

By this time, the “When Worlds Collide” story arc had pretty much worn out its welcome. This story is the weakest of the arc and features only two things of note: Eggman and Wiley still talking about juicing up the Egg Wiley Machine X, and Mega Man kicking ass while using some Mobian mojo. The same could be said for many of the other installments but they at least offered occasional diversions, such as the Dr. Light death plunge. This story just spun its wheels and threw mud up in the air and didn’t move the story ahead one inch.

BEST STORY ARC: “All For One, Parts 3 and 4,” Sonic Universe #48 and 49

Technically, the “All For One” story arc began with SU46. However, the first two parts set in Albion played, as I’ve said before, like a cheap community theater production of “Spamalot.” Those two issues did nothing to help tee up the excellent third and fourth issues, centered on the character-driven, emotional rollercoaster ride concerning Mighty and his sister Matilda. But in accordance with the dictates of Archie’s Marketing Department, Ian took a brilliant two-issue arc and saddled it with a useless two-issue prologue that felt dragged in from a different time zone. There’s nothing wrong with issuing two-and-two reprints if they happen to be good ones, but the back half of “All For One” is so strong that it’s easy to ignore the very weak front half. Someday, the guys in Archie Comic’s Marketing Department will figure that out for themselves.

WORST STORY ARC: “When Worlds Collide,” Sonic the Hedgehog #248-251, Sonic Universe #51-54, Mega Man #24-27

This was the worst kind of story: one that happened not because there was a story that needed telling but because there was a product that needed selling. The product in this case is Mega Man’s own comic book, and what better way to goose up sales than a team-up with a stronger horse in the Archie stable? Why they felt they needed to go for 12 issues baffles me because the resulting story arc was so repetitive it could have been wrapped up in 6 issues with proper editing. Nothing would have changed at the end; Eggman still would have screwed up Sonic’s Chaos Control to set up the Countdown to Chaos arc since he only needed one panel on the last page. I got the sense that Archie was just dragging out the inevitable in order to give Mega Man maximum exposure; either that or they were procrastinating getting to Countdown and the subsequent reset. Either way, the story arc was too much of nothing.

BEST COVER ART: Sonic the Hedgehog #252

Simplicity, as I’ve said before, makes for more impressive comic covers than elaborate set pieces, and the simple image of Sonic touching down in the rain is as impressive a cover as I’ve ever seen. It’s a masterful job by Ben Bates, demonstrating that sometimes splash works better than flash.

WORST COVER ART: Sonic Universe #56

Technically, there’s little to complain about with this Tracy Yardley! cover, but the more one considers it the more questions are raised. Why are robot pirates, who are not known for cannibalism, cooking up the girls? It can’t be because they’re going to be fed to the kraken because it’s a robot too. Is this comedy (heaven knows anything involving Bean gets reduced to a joke) or horror or what? The cover is, in short, ridiculous.

BEST STORY ART: “Pirate Plunder Panic Part 4,” Sonic Universe #58

As weak as the Pirate Plunder Panic arc as a whole might have been from a writing standpoint, the last few pages actually feature some sublime artwork. It’s easy to see why: with the Sol Emerald McGuffin back in Blaze’s possession and the prime pirate threat at an end (the odds are pretty darn long against Captain Metal surviving the continuity reset), Tracy Yardley! gets to tread in mostly forgotten territory and shows us a serene Blaze rather than one preoccupied with the destruction of her world if she fails to acquire a complete set of Sol Emeralds. It’s a welcome change, beautifully rendered.

WORST STORY ART: “Countdown to Chaos Part 3,” Sonic the Hedgehog #255

I hesitate to put this forward because guest artist Jerry Gaylord didn’t do bad work, and his one-page depiction of Bunnie getting her mind blown and Antoine’s being there for emotional support was excellent. Elsewhere, however, his work was a painful reminder that while he can do conventional comic book art (as in his series Fanboys vs. Zombies), he’s simply unable to do convincing furry art, and the Sonic comics are furry books, there’s just no getting around that fact. I had thought that, having dealt with other steroid-and-spandex specialists years ago, Archie Comic had learned its lesson and was going to stick to furry artists. For whatever reason, Archie forgot.

BEST CHARACTER: The Sprockets

The Sprockets are as clichéd as the pirates in “Pirate Plunder Panic,” but they’re playing the role of the Friendly Natives who assist Amy, Marine and Cream in their mission to “help Fire Cat.” Still, it’s nice to see a robotic figure not under Eggman’s stubby thumb, let alone a whole tribe of them. They totally serve the need of the plot, helping the girls break into Captain Metal’s lair and then pretty much disappearing, but I was curious to know how they functioned and where they lived and stuff. They were certainly more interesting than the off-the-rack pirates even if they might have ended up as off-the-rack noble savages.

WORST CHARACTER: Dr. Wiley

I know that he’s part of the Mega Man package and thus needed to be included in the crossover fun and games. But he corresponds so closely to the Eggman/mad scientist template that the differences between him and Eggman are superficial at best, aside from their waistlines. Small wonder the two of them hit it off so well and they lapsed into full-blown bromance mode. Otherwise, Wiley was pretty useless in this story since Eggman could have carried the bad guy weight by himself.

BEST DIALOGUE: “Get away from my BROTHER!!” Sonic Universe #49

This is the anchor point for the entire story arc. Matilda had been reluctant to connect with Mighty despite his insisting that they’re siblings but something changed, some spark of memory flared up inside her, and she goes on the warpath in grand style. But that’s not the whole point; it’s when brother and sister are reunited with Matilda in recuperation mode managing a weak but definite smile that we remember why we like reading stories this well done.

WORST DIALOGUE: “You look pretty when you’re on fire.” Sonic Universe #58

Leave it to Cream to say something both innocent and creepy to Blaze, as she did toward the end of “Pirate Plunder Panic Part 4.” If I’m Vanilla, I’m thinking the kid should get therapy.

BEST IDEA: n/a

This year Archie Comics couldn’t be bothered as they were busy teeing up something else …

WORST IDEA: CRISIS ON INFINITE MAMARONECKS

Granted the comic had written itself into some pretty tight corners over the past couple of years, and when the comic took a break to flog the Mega Man books there was a lot of unfinished business: Sally was a robot and Antoine was blown up and Bunnie walked out of the continuity and Geoffrey was possessed by Naugus who was being hounded by a committee of three wizards which had taken up residence inside his head and King Max was also on the decline and … you get the idea. Individually, each one of these problems was just that but nothing that couldn’t be dealt with by way of some serious writing. Collectively, the comic continuity was a mess.

So Archie, no doubt with the blessings of Sega and with an eye toward new product (a Sonic TV series and a game forthcoming), decided not only to reset the continuity but to repackage the characters. Predictably the fans howled in protest when Sally’s new look was unveiled at the 2012 NY Comic Con where it transcended the spoiler effect of letting the fans know that Sally would not be doomed to remain a robot after taking the hit herself rather than let that fate befall all of Mobius.

That’s why the fans love Sally instead of the comic in which she appears along with the rest of the gang. She, Sonic, Tails and the rest have been taken to heart by the fan base and the fan base can only put up with the changes dictated by Sega and Archie; they don’t have to love the changes. The only readers who will totally embrace the changes will be the pre-adolescent noobs (you can’t even limit the core audience to boys anymore) who’ll likely grow out of the comic after a couple of years as so many Letters to the Editor recount. When they come back, if they come back, it will likely be as hardcore fans who’ll be impatient with corporate meddling. They’ll have looked at the fanart at deviantArt.com or FurAffinity.net and read the thousands of Sonic fanfics at fanfiction.net, a vast creative output over which Archie Comics and Sega have absolutely no control. And after having scoped out 20 years’ worth of Sonic material rather than just this month’s comic books, no matter what outfit they have Sally wear in the comic, to the fans Sally will still be wearing her vest and boots ensemble because that is the Sally the fans love. It’s really just that simple.