Karen and Lauren have managed to avoid discussing Lauren’s pregnancy for several months since Lauren initially told her mother about it.  Now Lauren is starting to show a little around her tummy.  Karen senses the urgency to talk but feels uncomfortable approaching Lauren, especially after her angry blowup about her friends coming over.  Karen is also still confused by the whole mess; she feels like she is walking on pins and needles, but eventually draws up the inner courage to say, “Lauren, can we talk?” After an uncomfortable silence, she presses on, “You are frustrating me because you have not decided what you want to do about the baby.”  Lauren looked at her mother with shock and disbelief at the statement, as if there was no doubt in her mind, and she wondered why her mother would even need to ask.  “I’m keeping her, of course,” she said, “Just like you kept me, right?”  Karen kept quiet as she looked awkwardly down at her hands trying to think of a way to suggest placing the baby up for adoption.  Karen’s voice sounded broken when she finally uttered the words out loud that she had been contemplating.  “Things were different back then.  I had my whole family to help me.  Now we are alone and I can’t afford to feed the mouths that are currently in this house, let alone add one more.”  “What are you saying?” asked Lauren sounding irritated, “this is my baby, I get to decide, not you.”  Lauren’s words made Karen feel two inches tall.  Lauren had struck a nerve too close to home, one that Karen could not deal with right now.  However in actuality, Lauren was not nearly as confident about keeping the baby as she tried to appear, deep down she was in denial, ignoring the reality of the baby and secretly wishing the baby would just go away.  So without saying another word Karen stood up and walked away.  Unable to find the strength to say what needed to be said, she withdrew.  Lauren observed her mother as she walked out of the room and wondered to herself, if her mother was trying to tell her that she needed to get an abortion.

              One of Karen’s problems with communicating with Lauren, especially about what to do about her baby, is her own guilt.  Her guilt for being a single mom and all her mistakes since that time, all her failures as a parent, and her guilt for the current mess they are in.  All this guilt weighs down on her making her paralyzed to confront Lauren to use good judgment and to help her make the right choices that she needs to make.  Another problem Karen had with communicating was her judgmental statements.  Karen often feeds Lauren’s anger unintentionally by using “you” language instead of “I” language, putting Lauren on the defensive. For example Karen said “you frustrate me . . .” creating more defensiveness than if she would have said, “I feel frustrated because we have not talked about what would be best for the baby.” 

              Lauren made communicating more difficult by not clarifying what she was actually thinking, and saying other things that she did not really mean, and in the process using very direct words that caused unease.  When talking to her mother Lauren left out important information that she assumes that her mother should understand.  Often Lauren talks around a point making her mother fill in the missing pieces.  Then with what Lauren does say, there are often tremendous differences in what she means by a certain phrase, and the way Karen interprets it.  Karen ends up feeling like a ship left to drift in the middle of a stormy ocean.  Although she feels a lack of context from her daughter to guide her to understand her, she is also afraid to rock the boat, afraid she will make the sea more violent if she pressures her to clarify what she means. 

              Never the less miscommunication is a big problem not just for Lauren but for Karen also, she gives messages that seem perfectly clear when she says them yet because she assumes that the Lauren understands she uses abstractions or vague generalities to express unobservable events and feelings that she often keep hidden. 

Discussion Questions:

1.  Ask your spouse or children to tell you how well you are at using “I” messages rather than “You” messages.

2.  Does your spouse assume that you understand things that you are embarrassed to tell them you don’t understand? 

3.  What are the steps you need to make in order to prevent miscommunication from others with what you say?

4.  Is there unforgiven guilt in your life? Guilt that may be affecting your ability to communicate important issues/values with your loved ones in ways that you may not be aware.

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