Case Study on Communicating in the
Blended Family
One day many years ago, Roger was fed up with the
constant yelling and bickering between the kids that made the house unbearable
for him to be in. So Roger came up with
a plan. Roger built a hideout in the
garage. When no one was around he
installed a false wall on the back of the garage. He put in a section on the wall that opened
like a hatch but was hidden unless you knew it was there. Behind the wall he fixed up a little room,
sound insulated from the world around him.
An old antique looking mirror hung on the back wall of the garage that
Brenda refused to allow in the house.
Roger easily converted it into a two way mirror allowing him to exit
when he knew that no one was around.
Roger supplied the hidden room with a comfortable reclining chair, CD
player, a music library, a flat screen TV, headphones, and a mini-refrigerator. Roger managed to keep his hide away an
undiscovered secret for the last 12 years.
This was his place for getting away and escaping from stressful
times. But now that the kids were moved
out he didn’t need a refuge to escape into.
Yet, Roger kept his room a secret for sentimental purposes, still
enjoying a private little get away, though much less frequently than years
before.
This afternoon when
nobody was home Roger was relaxing in his hidden room, jazz on the CD player,
eyes closed, laid out on the recliner.
Being very carefree, knowing he was home alone. Roger left the hatch door open and lost track
of time enjoying his tunes. When he
opened his eyes and glanced toward the mirror he suddenly panicked. Brenda was home, she had pulled the car into
the garage. She was sitting in the
driver’s seat and she seemed to be glaring right at him with a very serious
look on her face. Roger realized that
the light from the open hatch was probably enough to expose the two way mirror,
“Oh no, she has been watching me, angrily, in disbelief that I would hide
something like this from her for all these years!” He said to himself, heart
pounding in fear, he turned off the CD player and took off the headphones. Realizing the jig was up,
he was going to need to face the music.
He stood up and waved at her through the two way mirror. But to his amazement she did not acknowledge
his presence. In fact she was looking
right through him. The room must have
been dark enough after all and the mirror wasn’t exposed! But now that the CD player was turned off, he
could tell that she was saying something.
So walking closer to the hatch he bent his ear to see if he could hear
what she was saying.
Brenda was sitting in
her car praying out loud to God. Roger
and Brenda often prayed together. But he
had never heard her pray privately, and so he listened, curious as to what she
would say to God when she thought no one else was around. Her words were full of appreciation to God. She was praising him for all the many ways He
had been working in her life. When she
was done she seemed energized as she got out of the car and went into the
house. She had not noticed the open
hatch. Roger exited his room and studied
the mirror from the one way side just to make double sure that he had not been
exposed. His secret was still safe. He closed the secret hatch and went on to
enjoy the rest of the evening with Brenda.
That evening for supper
they were enjoying some Tex-Mex take out from the South Western Restaurant in
town. Sitting on the couch and holding
hands they were nearly embracing as they were enjoying their supper. After their meal Roger gathered up their
dishes and cleaned up the kitchen.
Standing before a sink full of dirty dishes and soapy water he began to
raise his voice as a sweet melody floated out from his lips. Standing behind him, Brenda’s eyes lit up as
she reached around his oversized belly and swayed to his singing. Roger stopped momentarily, as Brenda
objected. “Please don’t stop.” she said, “There is nothing I love more than to
hear your singing.” Roger gently
serenaded his sweetheart with another tune as his mind traced back to other
positive words of encouragement Brenda had given him over the years. She supported him to be in the choir, and
encouraged him to sing special music in church.
She has even begged him to make a recording just for her so she could
listen to him whenever she wanted.
Brenda often used words
that built Roger up. For Roger a
complement was like the greatest way to express love. Using kind words, words of appreciation
expressed in simple strait forward statements is the same to Roger as saying I
love you. Brenda notices little things
Roger does like washing the dishes, vacuuming the floor, paying the bills or
washing the car, and she has never once failed to show her appreciation. Continuing to sing, Roger contemplated these
things, and remembered Brenda’s prayer in the car. Full of praise and appreciation to God, she
noticed the little things God had been doing for her and expressed her
gratitude for each one. Roger suddenly
realized how blessed he was that he had a wife that could communicate her love
to him so powerfully. Also he suddenly
could relate personally to how God must feel when we praise Him, God must feel
loved. “Yeah” Roger thought to himself,
“God must feel loved the same way I feel loved when Brenda praises me.”
Brenda still listening
to Roger sing, arms wrapped around him, cherished the thought that she had a
husband that could express his love to her so successfully. No not with the singing, she loves to hear
him sing, but she adores when he does the dishes. When she sees Roger doing acts of service
toward her it’s just like he is saying “I love you” to her a million times
over. She sees Roger’s eagerness to help
with everything as his way of showing affection toward her. He doesn’t cook, but he brings home take-out,
he sets the table, cleans the bathroom, including the toilet, the shower and
the mirror. He makes the bed and vacuums
the floor, all taking energy and effort and they scream out to her his
unfailing love and devotion.
In these ways Roger and
Brenda effectively communicate love for one another more forcefully than they
could ever speak them with words. But
this has not always been the case. When
first married Roger did not understand how important physical touch was to
Brenda. Touch is another way Brenda
receives communication that she is loved.
As their lives became busier and more hectic Roger neglected to spend
time making the effort to physically touch Brenda. Then Brenda began to
withdraw from the relationship and put more energy in her work. They were at
the point where they hardly ever saw one another until Brenda eventually
discovered that the reason she was pouring herself into her work was because
she lacked physical touch she was craving at home. But the reason Roger couldn’t give her enough
physical touch was because he was over stressed. He needed alone time, quiet time to reflect
and relax and fill his soul. Brenda realized
that when Roger was on empty he lost his ability to give her that loving touch
she needed. So that’s why Brenda has
never told Roger that she has always known about his room in the garage. It is her little secret that helps her get
the physical touch that saved their marriage.
It just goes to show that the best communication doesn’t have to be
spoken.
Discussion Questions:
For more information on the
Five Languages of Love read the book:
Chapman, Gary D. (1992). The
five love languages: How to express heartfelt communication to your mate.