Case Study on Communicating with the
Newlywed Couple
Ysebel’s was at the end
of her rope. She had given Manny his
space for three days now, since Marisol, his 13 year old sister, dropped out of
school. Days had gone by and Manny was
showing no signs that he was even starting to cool off. Manny and Marisol fought about it in great
detail several nights ago, to no avail. Ysebel could relate to both of their
feelings, so she made things worse by trying to help Manny see Marisol’s side
as well. This only made Manny feel like
Ysebel was siding against him, and now he was angry at her too. Albert and Carmella, Marisol’s parents were
also very disappointed in her. But Manny
was also angry at them because even though they were upset at Marisol, their
anger was directed more at the school district and the poor quality of
education that hopelessly penalized their children than enforcing that she stay
in school. In his anger Manny turned emotionally inward to his shell and was
not speaking to anybody about anything.
The most unfortunate
thing was that Marisol was a gifted student and she always made the top grades
in her class. Manny was the proud older
brother, always protective of his younger siblings. However, Marisol was tired of being bullied
and intimidated by her classmates and she was frustrated by the lack of mental
stimulation from her teachers. Manny was
not interested in hearing her excuses for quitting, he had high hopes that
Marisol would go to college and make something important of her self. Marisol was convinced that her school had
nothing positive to offer her and there was no reason to continue. Manny had dropped out of high school too and
knew from experience that quitting school led to a dead end street. Everyone involved had very strong feelings in
different directions.
Although Manny and
Ysebel had made a lot of progress in relation to learning to listen to one another
better, this situation emphasized how much they continued to have difficulty
expressing themselves especially in emotionally charged situations like this
one. In fact when it comes to
communicating, Manny seems to have a lot of ability to make statements of
facts, but he refuses to dig below the surface and talk about his
feelings. Ysebel likewise has no problem
expressing her opinion, but she does not always disclose her feelings either.
One of Manny’s problems
is that he lacks a wide vocabulary of responsive words. He can express weather things are either
“good” or “bad” and what he thinks of a situation but he is not able to use
exact words to express his mood. He
superficially describes what he is doing as a substitution for emotional conversation. Manny told Marisol “Your wasting your life,
I’m not going to stand by and watch you do this to yourself.” So now he is punishing everyone with the
silent treatment and for the last three days he has not spoken to her, to
Ysebel, or to his parents. How effective
is that kind of communication? He
expressed his feelings by his behavior but his words did not expressing how he
actually felt at all and this lack of information blocked creating necessary
dialog. He could have used other words
with possibly greater success, like: “I feel devastated that you are throwing
your life away, please reconsider.” Or “I feel sick inside because you have so
much more potential than I ever had and you deserve to go so much farther in
your life than you give yourself credit for.”
More expressive words could have been, “If only you could know how much
this hurts me to see you quitting on your future, I will do what ever it takes
to keep you in school.” Manny is making
a common mistake. He thinks he is
expressing his feelings effectively by expressing his anger. But his anger has the opposite effect of
closing communication rather than producing a much more effective line of
reasoning with a verbal expression of feelings.
Often in everyday
conversation with Ysebel Manny fails to use words that express his exact
feelings. Like last week, one evening he
simply stood up and sounding irritated, announced “I’m going to bed.” Ysebel was not tired so she stayed up and
watched television till late that evening.
Manny’s feelings he did not express were, “I want to spend time with
you, but you seem more interested in your show.
So because I feel neglected and bored I might as well go to bed because
I have nothing better to do.” If he had
used exact word to express his feelings then in this situation Ysebel would
have gladly turned off the television and spent the rest of the evening with
him.
On the other hand Ysebel
will speak her mind at first impulse.
She will blurt out her first thought that comes out of her head which
often results in her saying things she regrets later. Siding with Marisol was an example of being
caught up in the moment and not considering the importance of her words before
she said them. Rather than waiting for
the urge to speak her mind to subside or waiting for the most appropriate time
to express her point of view she rushes in afraid that if she waits she may
forget what she wanted to say or worse yet her words may not seem as important
than at the present time when her intensity can make a more dramatic
impact. Tact and a better use of timing
can become very effective tools to help Ysebel improve her communication
skills.
Discussion Questions: