Case Study on Time with the Single
Parent
Ernie was playing on the
floor with his toy cars making a lot of noise as one car talked to the other
car. Lauren was sitting on the couch
near Ernie showing obvious irritation at Ernie’s racket and clatter. Forcefully nudging Ernie with her big toe to
get his attention she demanded “Why can’t you play quietly, your driving me
crazy.” So Ernie climbed up on the couch
and started bouncing around and bumping into Lauren. “Cut it out pest.” She insisted. “Go look at
a book or something.” Ernie ran to his
toy box and snatched up his favorite book, running back to Lauren with it he
squealed, “Read bear book, Read bear book!”
Lauren rolled her eyes, “Not again, just look at the pictures, I don’t
want to read right now.” Ernie looked
disappointed, he dropped his book and returned to his cars as they began
beeping and talking to one another again, Lauren started yelling. “You stupid little brat, I told you to stop
doing that!”
The yelling brought
Karen out from the kitchen where she was preparing supper. “What are you yelling about” she wanted to
know. “Ernie’s being a pest.” Lauren
snapped. Karen looked down at Ernie on
the floor, “He’s playing nicely with his car, how’s that being a pest?” Karen pointed out. “He just is.” Lauren maintained with a sassy
attitude. Normally Karen would have
caved to Lauren and encouraged Ernie to help mommy in the kitchen or something
like that. But Karen was simply fed up
with Lauren’s nasty mood. “Why can’t you
cut it out, sometimes I wonder who is the bigger baby you or Ernie.” Karen
huffed as she started back into the kitchen.
Then Lauren proclaimed, “Sure take his side, you might as well be
against me too, like everyone else is.”
Karen didn’t have time to debate with Lauren, she had soup on the stove
and she was sure it was about to burn.
But before she went back in the kitchen she had to get in the last word,
so she turned around and stated. “Life is what you make it. You seem intent to make your life as
miserable as you can by being miserable.
But happy people know that regardless of what happened yesterday, last
month, or a year ago doesn’t matter.
What might happen later today, tomorrow or next year is not
important. Now is the only place where
happiness can actually be found and you are in total control of your own
happiness at this moment.”
Conversation was minimal
for most of supper and then Lauren finally spoke up she said, “I’m sorry mom,
but all I seem to ever do is watch Ernie every day. I need a break, some time
to myself.” “Well, maybe tomorrow you
can make supper and I can watch Ernie.”
“That’s not what I mean.” she huffed, “See this is exactly what I’m
talking about, you don’t listen to me. I
don’t have a life of my own. My life is
nothing more than an extension of your life.”
“Obviously, you had plenty of time to get pregnant, that doesn’t sound
to me like I control every minute of your life.” Karen piped back. “See, you don’t listen to me. I’m just saying that a person needs to just
sit still and do absolutely nothing sometimes.” Lauren sobbed back at her
mother. “Okay Lauren, what do you want
from me?” Karen questioned. “Lauren
thought for a moment then explained, “I want you to give me time to have equal
say about what goes on around here like having a weekly a family meeting or
something.” Karen groaned “I don’t have
time for that. I just need you to do
what I tell you to do.” But then she
thought again, “Well, if it can change your attitude about everything, maybe it
would be worth it.” She went on to think
to herself, “I need to demonstrate spending time as a
family to the kids with them so that they can learn this kind of behavior
otherwise they will grow up being too busy for their kids like I have been for
them.”
So Karen agreed to set a
time once a week, on Saturday night, for a family meeting. They agreed that the family meeting would be
a non-defensive environment where everyone would be given the right to speak
and be heard. A time when everyone
listens without interrupting, criticizing, attacking
or cutting someone off before their turn.
They agreed that this would be a time for sharing what was working and
not working. When they could speak
openly about what was bothering them and offer solutions. Even give one another encouragement and
support about what is working right.
On Saturday night, they
had their first Collings family counsel. Karen was surprised at all the positive
suggestions Lauren had to offer. But
most importantly because they took the time to share and listen to one another
they actually learned new things about each other that they did not know
before.
Discussion Questions: