Case Study on Unconditional Love with the Newlywed Couple

Ysebel waited for Manny to come home keeping herself busy rearranging the furniture in their tiny one room they rented from Manny’s parents. She moved the refrigerator closer to the kitchen table. She moved the bed against the wall next to the door. Manny is usually done cleaning floors by 9:00, this evening he still wasn’t home although it was nearly 11PM. Ysebel expected as much, she and Manny had argued this morning before Manny left for work. It all started when Manny interrupted Ysebel as she was trying to share her feelings about how Manny’s mother treated her. “I don’t care!” he retorted, “I don’t want to listen to you complain about my mother, look at all my family has done for us, and all you want to do is complain.” “I wasn’t complaining,” answered Ysebel, “I was trying to share my feelings.” “And I told you I don’t care,” he said sarcastically. “I need to go to work.” “No, you’re not running away from this conversation!” Ysebel said confronting him with her jaw out forward and her arms crossed blocking the door. “The truth is your mother hates me because she feels that I don’t deserve you.” Pushing past Ysebel, he stated as he left, “Maybe my mother is trying to teach you something, you should be grateful for the people that are put in your path to help you!” Ysebel’s dark brown eyes doubled in size as her jaw clenched and she muttered to herself as Manny drove away, “If you think I don’t deserve you either, then you just try and find someone else who will put up with your horrible mother.”

Ysebel called her boss and told her that she was sick, and couldn’t make it to work today, and then she spent the rest of the morning crying into her pillow. “I saved myself to be pure for my husband before I was married for Manny, which was more then he did for me, and now I don’t deserve him?” She thought to herself. “I know I have added some pounds since we got married, maybe Manny doesn’t love me as much because I’m getting fat?” “What do they want from me? If they told me what would make them happy, I would do it, then maybe they would love me, but they won’t tell me!” “Why wont Manny open up with me? Is he afraid I will reject his feelings? If he is afraid to risk revealing his most intimate feelings with me then why does he reject me when I try to be vulnerable with him? I can’t stand this!” “If he wont give me the emotional intimacy I need than he will not get the physical intimacy he wants from me, we will se how he likes that!” “No, that is a bad idea, he will find someone else for sure if he’s not getting any at home.” “I cannot expect or demand Manny to give me what I am not willing to give him.” “But all I want is for someone to make me feel safe and loved, wanted and desired.” Ysebel began to remember the pain she felt growing up because her sisters were always better than her at everything she wanted to be good at, sports, school work, cooking, dating, and playing music. She remembered the rejection from the girls in high school because she was a tomboy, her clothes were never nice enough, and her body was never shaped right. Growing up she actually hated herself sometimes. For hours lying on her bed the feelings of anger, the feelings of hurt, the feelings of rejection, and the feelings of disapproval overwhelmed her. But then Ysebel thought to herself, “Don’t I have to feel unconditional love for myself before I can accept or expect Manny or anyone else to give it to me?” “I keep feeling I would like myself better if I cooked better, if I was thinner, if I was prettier, if I was a smarter. I think I need to find out who I am and what I’m good at so I can start on the path to loving myself.”

Ysebel was on the porch waiting for Manny when he got home not long after 11:00. He didn’t bring flowers or candy like he would have before they were married. But he did say he was sorry for loosing his temper that morning. “So where were you so late?” Asked Ysebel. “I went to Raffi’s and we celebrated.” Manny answered. “Raffi and I found out we were not on the list to be laid off at the warehouse today. Isn’t that great?” Ysebel couldn’t hide the hurt from her face, “You never told me that you thought you might get laid off.” “No” Manny scrambled for an excuse, “I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t take care of you.” Manny sheepishly admitted. “Manny, I love the real you, richer and poorer and all that, like I said when I married you. Don’t you trust me enough to share your fears with me? I need you to share your life with me, that’s what marriage is about.” “I know, I’m sorry, but I told you now, doesn’t that count?” asked Manny, trying to lighten the mood. “No, it doesn’t count, don’t you know I love you just as much employed as unemployed.” “Yea, let’s go in and celebrate, babe.” Ysebel just shook her head as they went inside together.

After they went to bed Ysebel laid in Manny’s arms and she quietly asked, “Manny, I need to know the thing you love about me, and not thinks like the smell of my hair, or how my backside shakes when I walk. I need to know what is special about me, why you chose to marry me instead of those other girls.” Manny thought for a moment. Then he said, “You are real creative, look what you did to the apartment while I was at work today.” “You can draw and paint beautiful pictures and you are good at making friends with people. And you are great with kids, I see how good you are with my little brothers and my baby sister and I love that about you.” Ysebel smiled and kissed Manny on the lips, “Thank you Manny, now I know how to love me too.” Manny stared at Ysebel with a very confused look. “Never mind, I love you, Good night sweetie.” Was the only explanation from Ysebel, but Manny thought to himself as he went to sleep that wasn’t an explanation at all.

Discussion Questions:

1. Do you need to learn how to love yourself unconditionally?

2. Write down the qualities you like about yourself, and be prepared to share them with your team.

3. Have you ever been afraid to be vulnerable with people who are supposed to love you unconditionally? Why?

4. How does your walk with Christ affect your ability to love others unconditionally?