A Birthday Boy's Reflections

04.13.2021

A lot of my writing and idle thinking tries to make sense of personal and collective struggles and triumphs. What does it mean to live a good life, and how can I get closer to it? It’s a question that sits at the foundations of my wonderings. There are times where I discover things that give me comfort in it all–a statement that becomes belief, or a work of art. They are the seemingly small victories that pepper a life full of questioning, doubt, and wonder for the miracle of being alive.

A current struggle has been the fact I’m getting older. With that comes oncoming expansions in responsibilities. Here comes another step into adulthood—ready or not. While I’m decades and decades away from the potential of experiencing the declines of old age (which comes with its own anxieties), right here and now there’s a fear that I’m not up to the task of being a real adult.

For the past few days and weeks, I’ve felt rather down. Among many thoughts, the thought of turning another year older felt intimidating. At the time of writing this, on the morning of April 13, I’m finally 21. While I don’t plan to, I’m old enough to partake of the liquid hallmark of adulthood. This is the year, or least it’s supposed to be. This is where I’ve been told that life really picks up.

I didn’t quite feel big enough, or ready for the start of this 21st year of life. That feeling has been shifting as gratitude has taken a hold of my heart. Thankfulness is actively changing my misgivings about how the future could be. It’s changing my fears into hope and action.

I don’t spend enough time noticing the good, and letting it fill me. I haven’t made enough space for God to be all that he could be in my life. So now, I want to take a moment to celebrate life, and the things I’ve done and hope to do in next year of mine.

In the last year I’ve learned:
·      What quality time feels like and how much I need to receive and provide it.
·      How to be a better listener—hearing what makes my friends come alive makes me happy!
·      The joys of my friends are my joys as well, not just their pain.
·      There are friends and family in my life that love me and are proud of me even when I’m not.
·      I’m capable of doing difficult things.
·      Sometimes my best looks different in different seasons of life. I have to be kind to myself and readjust accordingly.
·      To fill the fullness—the highs and the lows—of my emotions and of life itself. It’s either everything or nothing at all. I’ve learned, and I’m continuing to accept and move through it all.

I’m continuing to learn:
·      To stand up for myself, to be my own ally and treat myself as someone I am responsible for helping or—more simply put—like someone I love.
·      How to see things for what they are; to not minimize my own accomplishments and joys and magnify problems and woes.
·      There’s a lot of life to live outside of my own head and so much to experience outside of my own inner world.
·      How to respect the boundaries around my time, health, and responsibilities.
·      When to say no to good things in order to say yes to great things.
·      How what I know and what I love fit into the life and career paths God knows would be the greatest blessing to the world and bring me the greatest fulfillment.

Here are just a few of the first things that came to mind that is the stance I’m learning to return to above everything else: of generosity, gratitude and growth. Today, I rejoice that life is returning to the trees and daffodils all about campus. I’m so happy to be greeted by clear blue skies. The sun shines for the whole world, but for one day, I remember that it shines for me, too.