Oh, the comfort of self-sabotage. The comfort of watching a good thing move towards us, then redirecting its path. There’s something about blocking our blessings that we find so attractive. But, why? What is the lure of talking ourselves out of thriving at that new job, of building that new friendship, of sticking it out during the beginning phases of that budding relationship? As a ‘doer,’ I’ll speak for myself here. It’s the perceived control. I believe humans are natural control freaks. We like to keep our hands on something for as long as possible, and when that control begins to slip from our fingertips, we panic. I often find myself, in fact, more than I’d like to admit, at the doorstep of a potential ‘good thing,’ only to conjure up a plethora of negative outcomes, guiding me back to my safe haven of what is ‘known.’ I convince myself that in not giving something a fair chance, I’ve dodged a bullet, because ‘that wouldn’t have ended well anyway.” I think it’s safe to say that most, if not all of us, can relate to this, so let’s get into the nitty-gritty of this toxic behavior.
Given the most basic definition of self-sabotage, “behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do,” how does this habit hide itself in everyday life? For starters, you blame others when things go wrong. Consider the example of a relationship where your partner behaves in a way that negatively affects you both. Right off the bat, you decide they will never change, break up with them, and exit the relationship completely content with your decision. According to Maury Joseph, PsyD, you have just sabotaged the chance to grow from the experience by neglecting what part you may have played in the relationship drama. Another sign of self-sabotage … procrastination. You muster up the motivation, spend hours gathering research, and are ready to complete a task, just to lose momentum minutes later and opt to binge your favorite television show or catch a quick workout. Perhaps you don’t resonate with such behaviors, but instead, you have trouble communicating your needs. Failure to stand up for yourself amongst friends and family, at work, or just in day-to-day interactions, always leads to burnout or feelings of being misunderstood. Allowing this to go on for too long can breed resentment and missed opportunities.
Being able to acknowledge and identify self-sabotage is key, but it is even more crucial to understand its roots. As previously mentioned, this can often be a need for constant control in your life, where you feel “untouched” by the world’s unpredictability. While you may suffer both mentally and emotionally from this control addiction, at least you get to keep your walls up, because God forbid you allow yourself to be vulnerable, right? Your self-sabotage patterns may have even been learned during childhood. Dr. Joseph suggests that for a child who only gained the attention of her parents when they were angry, as an adult, she may intentionally provoke others in order to get their attention, resulting in a toxic attraction to anger (Brito, 2019). Or maybe you relish in self-sabotage because you’re afraid of failing. The idea of igniting your own failure motivates you, in hopes of “softening the blow” later on. Sigh.
Despite the prevalence of self-sabotage, many people are completely unaware that they are engaging in it. Some grow to believe that they are just natural pessimists, not realizing that their ‘pessimism’ is a result of being in constant fight or flight mode. Well, here’s the thing, fellow saboteurs, a loving Creator did not breathe life into you for you to snuff it out with debilitating thoughts and behaviors. We were not created to have complete control over all of life’s affairs. If we were granted such control, what would we need a sovereign God for? Wouldn’t we just be our own god? If you’ve never been told this before, or perhaps you need a little reminding… you are worthy of good things. Read that again. You are worthy of good things. You are worthy of inner peace. You deserve to apply yourself to new opportunities in order to reap the benefits. You deserve the gift of healthy, stable, enjoyable relationships. You are allowed to live in the moment and appreciate things for what they are, not what you’re hoping them to someday be. And most of all, it is okay to be afraid of change or letting your walls down. Congratulations, you’re human!
Today, God is urging us to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). Every thought that tells you that good things don’t last, that you’re incapable of experiencing true, God-given fulfillment on this side of heaven. The thoughts that say negative overthinking is productive and will keep you safe from failure. Trust God’s love for you, friend. Accept, with open arms, all of the good things He is sending your way.
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.