As communicated via a school-wide email, Andrews University switched to a masks-optional policy starting on March 11, 2022. This shift in policy came exactly two years after Andrews initially announced that it would be going remote due to Covid-19, and represented a symbolic step toward pre-pandemic normalcy. Now that students and faculty across campus have begun to show their faces, the institution has made another monumental decision: a silly little hats mandate.
As of April 1st, 2022, all employees of Andrews University will be expected to wear silly little hats in order to boost campus morale. This policy will remain in effect indefinitely, for as long as it takes to sufficiently bolster the joy and livelihood of AU students to a campus average of 93 percent using technology developed by psychology professor Karl Bailey and his lab.
In light of this policy, several professors across the Andrews campus have spoken out on their feelings regarding the university’s decision.
“I fully support the SLH mandate,” says Professor Axelrod, from the Department of Engineering. “This represents the kind of progressive, forward thinking that induced me to leave my tenure track at MIT to come to Berrien. I’ve already had a number of chuckles today, just from attending a departmental meeting, and I really feel good all over. I may even continue to wear my hat if the mandate is lifted.”
On the other hand, Professor Muranski (Political Science) says “The SLH is just another mask policy for a different part of the head, and I, for one, up with it refuse to put.”
Meanwhile, Rebecca Smith, from Student Life, comments that “The SLH mandate is an attempt to look after campus wellbeing, cheer everyone up. All hats have been approved as non-carcinogenic and appropriate for student and faculty use. I don’t see why anyone has a problem with these. Killjoys!”
Dr. Karl Bailey, Professor of Psychology, states, “Numerous psychological studies promote the benefits of wearing Silly Little Hats. Last year, the National Institutes of Health noted that wearing a Silly Little Hat for just one hour increased the user’s mood by approximately 60 percent—a result that was sustained over a period of seven days. In these trying times, we could all benefit from wearing a Silly Little Hat.”
Dr. Stacie Hatfield, Professor of Anthropology said, “My hat is constructed of old tests and journal articles. This tiny little hat imbues its wearer with insights across disciplines and changing social worlds. Also, it makes students laugh.”
Dr. Scott Moncrieff of the Department of English says, “a student said ‘Props to you Dr. Moncrieff,’ when he saw me in it. ‘I like the spin you put on fashion.’”
Abigail Lee (sophomore, sociology) feels conflicted about the new SLH policy. “My head is too big and I am filled with rage. For most people, they’re wearing a silly little hat, but me? I’m wearing a silly tiny hat. That’s so unfair! I look like the most foolish clown in the dunce circus, and all because I’m trying to become a TA. If I have to wear it for one more day, I’m literally going to transfer to another college.”
On the other hand, Alannah Tjhatra (junior, biochemistry) has a slightly different take. “The SLH mandate has really motivated me to go to class. Where I used to wake up ten minutes before my 8:30 period, I now wake up at least thirty minutes earlier–it’s just so exciting to see what Silly Little Hat my professor will be donning each morning.”
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.