Scientists have noted and been baffled by a new phenomenon occurring at schools across the northern front of the United States: a mass student migration has occurred. Some students have noticed that even at Andrews University, a number of students have taken flight to campuses further south, including Southern, Southwestern, and Loma Linda University.
“This is an unusual spectacle,” Dr. Hale Stones said. “Usually, you might see a couple dozen transfer or quit. I think the most I’ve personally seen is 50.” Dr. Stones added. “One great factor is the weather. It’s quite fascinating, really. Many students admit to migrating due to the weather patterns. Studies have shown that the higher the average number of layers of clothing a student wears, which usually inversely correlates to temperature, the more likely they are to migrate to a different campus.” Dr. Stones noted that this causation for migration is especially strong at the end of what he calls “fall semester.” He adds, “At the end of the fall semester, winter occurs, and temperatures drop, of course. Thus, students will migrate to a southern campus. Studies done by students here show that ever since the polar vortex of 2019, the students are now 97% more likely to migrate to a southern campus at the end of fall semester compared to the end of the spring semester.”
But what really baffles scientists is how students are leaving campus. Dr. Stones theorizes that the method that students are using to leave - or rather floating away from their respective universities - could be due to shivering overload. “Muscles in your body, when shivering, are contracting – or tightening – and elongating – or relaxing – at a rapid pace. Students’ muscles are shivering at such a rapid pace, they are generating enough force to lift off the ground until they find a new location in which the sun warms their muscles, slowing down the shivering overload, and they can land again. It’s literally human flight due to cold weather.”
One student commented, “All of my friends from Florida and California left first. It was…sad to see them go, especially when we planned to go down the tubing hill after the recent snow two Saturdays ago. But, nope. Up, up, and away they went. I have even considered taking off my jackets and shivering away, but I have a test in religion that I can’t miss.”
Dr. Stones expressed his desire to begin studies with students at Andrews University and even partnering with the NABT (National Association of Biology Teachers) in order to facilitate an extensive research group to investigate the matter. “Unfortunately,” he lamented, “all the biology and biochemistry students have already flown the coop and now there’s no student left to help conduct the research.”
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.