Year after year, students across campus ask for one thing that is never delivered, a mascot for the university’s paper. Well, after waiting for so long, today is the heavily anticipated debut of the new mascot for the “Student Movement:” Cardfield the Cardinal! After months of toiling away and extensive test groups, the team behind everyone’s favorite feathery rascal can now rest easy with this official launch of the soon-to-be beloved mascot.
An exhausted art student who worked behind the scenes in the labs that made Cardfield said, “I’m so happy to have the beautiful bird that we have today. In earlier stages, we were originally going to do ‘Cardio’ the Italian bird plumber, but we realized that the name and concept sounded just way too unbelievable.” He scoffed, “‘Cardio?’ For the student paper’s mascot? Why at that point, people should just call him ‘Gym.’ What a terrible name.”
Along with “Cardio,” earlier drafts for the new “Student Movement” mascot included Croopy the dog-cardinal hybrid, and Cardlock Holmes the mystery-solving cardinal, along with hundreds of other titles and illustrations. When pressed on why it took so many drafts to get to the mascot we know today, the student shook his head and said, “Look, we’re just finally thankful to have created a completely original and non-copyright infringing design. You can’t rush a masterpiece.” An accompanying News writer, also present for the interview, questioned if the art team had ever, “heard of Jim Davis.” The art student began to look incredibly nervous and started to sweat. “Who?” he asked coyly.
In order to be ready to fully embrace Cardfield, AUSA and the “Student Movement” have released to students a list of four important facts to remember about him, and goes as follows:
- Cardfield’s favorite food is Sam’s Chicken.
Yes, this hungry bird just loves Sam’s Chicken. While Cardfield’s got a serious passion for all kinds of food served at the Andrews University cafeteria, there is nothing he wouldn’t do for that classic fried fake chicken. His hunger for this dish is actually so powerful that he has been officially banned from entering the cafeteria on days that it’s being served, lest another dreaded incident happens again.
2. Cardfield hates Mondays.
The early bird may get the worm, but this one sure doesn’t! Cardfield hates Mondays with a fervent passion that no one quite understands considering that he doesn’t have any jobs or classes to attend nor has he been long enough on this Earth yet to even understand the concept of a “weekend.”
3. Cardfield loves to take naps.
Deep in the Rec Center on the plush couch within the “Student Movement” staff room, Cardfield snores and slumbers around the clock while the editors work away on fixing articles and creating the newest issues. “He’s really, really, loud,” said Website Editor Kurt Kuhlman (senior, political science), he continued, “I don’t know why he has to be taking his naps here, it’s terrible.” In contrast, Photography Director, Qualyn Robinson (senior, digital communications) said, “Cardfield’s great! Our meetings are way shorter now that he’s made the space completely unworkable. I finally get Thursday nights to myself again.”
4. Cardfield is alive and can feel pain.
While some schools may choose to not “go the extra mile,” Andrews University refuses to stay idle. A biology student (currently in hiding) who worked on the team which made Cardfield sent out a digital statement earlier today:
“World changers for a changing world, these are the words that guide us in all of the work that we do here at the [REDACTED] labs at Andrews University. Well …We certainly changed the world. No longer are we trapped within the bounds of our rudimentary costume mascot past. Just for the “Student Movement,” we have created the future of mascots: a real, living, breathing, sentient, creature whose life purpose is to get more students to read the paper. On behalf of the rest of the Biology Department which gave Cardfield life, we can guarantee to you that he is completely safe and is ready for your love. Go ahead, give him a hug. But not too tight! Cardfield can feel pain and we cannot guarantee what may happen* if you accidentally inflict it upon him.”
*The Biology Department, AUSA, and the “Student Movement” are not liable for any damage or harm done by any editors, writers, or beloved mascots that put Andrews University’s student body in danger.
Now that you know everything about Cardfield, get ready to love and embrace him because he isn’t leaving anytime soon. This hungry bird is now a permanent fixture to the “Student Movement team and he will not be removed. Cardfield will exist past this April 1st, and many, many, more and you can do nothing to change that.
We waited for him, but now he’s here, and he will never die.
April Fools :)
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.