College is a place where a variety of opportunities exist. Well, yes, there’s studying—but there is one opportunity that John Harvard, Benjamin Franklin, and many other college founders did not expect back in those days—finding your significant other! There technically could have been romantic relationships in the 1600s or 1700s at Harvard or UPenn, but surely it was not something people expected to happen or see often on campus. As we all know, this is not the reality today—especially on our Andrews campus, where the thought of finding your Christian life partner is somewhat pervasive. But balancing both romance and reading can feel burdensome, so I gathered wisdom from several individuals and came up with the list below to help you!
1. Know Thyself
Dating is an excellent opportunity to learn more about yourself. It can reveal your subconscious thoughts about this type of relationship, your personality, and your preferences. Still, being more aware of yourself can help you evade some adversities that a toxic relationship can bring. If you know you feel uncomfortable about engaging in this relationship or anything that it involves, try to write out your thoughts rather than avoiding the problem. For example, if your grades are going down significantly after you start dating, and if that makes you worry, this would be worth some deep self-reflection.
2. Set your priorities and goals.
You should always be the person inviting others to come into your space, time, and life. No one else should hold the master key to yourself, even if that somebody is your parent, friend, or lover. The first thing you can do to build that boundary is to clarify your priorities and goals. If grades are becoming a concern to you, make sure you prioritize keeping up with your assignments. You don’t have to give up other elements in your life; it’s just that there is always an order to prioritize things.
A great piece of advice regarding this agenda came from an anonymous student who shared that it is important to “put yourself first, and by saying that, I don’t mean you should act selfishly. I mean that the relationship should add towards the stability of your life, not the other way around. If your relationship becomes time-consuming, energy-draining, and exhaustive, reevaluate your situation. A great relationship makes the time spent together enriching, energizing, and supportive. If this is not your experience, it might be that you or the [other] person is not fit for the relationship.”
3. Find and share common goals.
If both of you are students, study together! It’s even better if you are taking the same classes, since you can try to teach each other the subjects you’re learning. As long as you stay focused, study sessions can help identify where you lack understanding. Common goals do not have to be limited to studying. Volunteering together or shadowing professionals that fit your and your partner’s career goals can also help motivate you to work harder and support each other.
4. You don’t have to leave the campus to have a fun date.
Driving off campus to have a date night is fun, but it can be expensive and time-consuming if it happens frequently. When test day is approaching, and you want to destress with your partner, utilizing school events and facilities can be a fun and inexpensive way to spend time together. For example, you can watch the basketball game, participate in the de-stressing activities organized by the campus center, or visit the jacuzzi tub at the Andreasen Center for Wellness. Stay creative, and you will find great ways to have fun without sacrificing too much time!
5. Communication is key.
Another point that many individuals emphasized was communication skills. Olivia Joyce (senior, chemistry) encouraged people to “communicate expectations in advance of how much time you expect to spend together. Figure out the types of activities that matter to you and prioritize them. Plan in advance when you’ll be available—know each other’s schedules and communicate that the other person’s priorities matter to you, too, even if they don’t necessarily benefit you. Plan lots! And be willing to be flexible.”
Milikit Bereket (junior, public health) also emphasized a similar point: “Dating is important, but you still need to put school first. Don’t get distracted easily, and set your priorities. As long as that happens, you should be fine. Just make sure to communicate with your partner so that both of you are content with the amount of time you spend together. You might want to spend more time with them, but they might prefer to have more time to themselves, or vice versa, although you should still set time for each other. Lastly, when in doubt, pray!”
Finally, please remember that you can always talk about your situation with the support systems present on campus. There are chaplains in the Center for Faith Engagement, staff members and professors that you may feel comfortable sharing your situation with, and professional therapists and psychiatrists available both on campus and through telehealth.
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.