When meeting someone new, our brains often subconsciously pick up on multiple behaviors and characteristics of an individual that can be thought of as a red or green flag. Many people use these “flags” as indicators that help us form impressions or ideas of a person and analyze their potential as a significant partner or friend. I wanted to understand what other students thought about red and green flags, so I spoke with Ian Freed (junior, business management), Melissa Carvalho (junior, cognitive psychology), and Sofi Oudri (junior, exercise science/pre-physical therapy). I made it a priority to speak with individuals from different backgrounds, scholarly and cultural. During our conversations, I learned more about their experiences with individuals and their thoughts on red/green/beige flags.
In a conversation with Ian Freed, he stated, “When I am asked about red and green flags, I automatically think of red flags. I think red flags are more attractive since understanding what is wrong is more enticing than what is good. When I think of red flags, the first is one with a poor relationship with either a parent or family members. I’m not sure about the psychology behind it, but I’ve found that when someone has a poor relationship with their family, they often try to fill the void left by family with other people, and this often becomes toxic since those expectations one may have for family members can’t be filled by a romantic partner. I want to note that I find the red flag relevant when the individual openly chooses not to connect to their family when they have no reason not to.
Other red flags I see are when a woman I may be interested in goes out and parties too much. I used to be heavily involved in this lifestyle, and these activities are usually a way to escape some sort of issue. I also believe a lack of spiritual devotion, connection to God, and discipline for goals is a red flag.
When it comes to green flags, things are the opposite of what the red flags are. I am drawn to people with good relationships with their families and prioritize spending time with them. People who speak highly of their mother and father and their accomplishments are often very respectful. Green flags can also be seen in one's dedication to their goals. When people have goals to become something successful and prioritize their goals, it's unlikely that a relationship will not align with these goals. I believe there are many other green flags, such as taking the initiative, showing small gestures of love, and having open and honest communication. These things are a little more basic and may take time to be visible when getting to know someone, but these are also green flags.” I enjoyed my conversation with Ian; it allowed me to learn more about his mindset in relation to finding a partner and friend, and he views many green and red flags in the same way I do.
Melissa Carvalho had a different outlook on red flags. She stated, “Individuals who lack accountability in situations where they may be at fault is a huge red flag for me. This also leads directly to double standards, which I cannot stand. It is a massive issue if the individual lacks accountability but gets on me for that same thing when it may not be accurate. I love individuals who are intentional about friendship and the way in which they live their lives, so if they aren’t, that is also a red flag.
On the other hand, I find one’s relationship with their parents and family extremely important. That is a red flag for me if they aren’t in tandem because of their decisions. Also, people who are easily influenced by others and respect others’ opinions and boundaries is an extreme green flag for me.” Her outlook on green and red flags shows the differences in preferences between people.
Lastly, I spoke with Sofi Oudri, who stated, “I find that a partner who doesn’t provide and never gives their undivided attention when with me is a red flag. I also hate when people speak badly about others regardless of how well they know them. Concerning friendships, I like to be free-spirited when with them, so if I feel like I must watch how I say things or what I say around them, I find that to be a red flag.
My green flags are different from the opposite of my red. If I notice animals love them, that is the most significant green flag ever! I also love when they are kind to waiters or waitresses, customer service, and staff in restaurants and stores. Lastly, I am highly attracted to individuals who set boundaries, just in general and romantically.”
Some major red flags I have noted in the past are dishonesty, inconsistency, and being over-friendly. The psychology behind dishonesty stems from our need to trust others; it can always be broken, and our brain prepares for that possibility. Inconsistency is prominent in friendships, and I personally cannot stand when, at one moment, an individual is a friend and, in the next moment, isn’t. This can be unsettling and cause issues in social interactions with the individual. Over-friendliness correlates directly to red flags I look for in romantic relationships. If one is too touchy or “friendly” (viewed as flirty) with individuals they deem as friends, I will view this as a red flag, especially if they have double standards in relation to my friends. As mentioned earlier by Ian, Melissa, and Sofi, major green flags are ones who actively listen when in conversation, have a good relationship with their family, and have strong values and goals. Our brains seek out individuals that are like-minded, which can lead to very strong and powerful friendships or romantic relationships.
The psychology behind compartmentalizing these flags is a form ofcognitive heuristics. Our brains use simplified mental shortcuts to assess and categorize individuals quickly. This helps us make prompt judgments but can also lead to bias. Remembering flags is not always definitive, and people can change over time is essential. Being aware of these flags allows us to make better-informed decisions about our interactions and relationships, but it's essential to remain open to the possibility that people can grow, change, and surprise us.
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.