The other day my mother said to me, “Mary Jane, you should watch Mary Poppins because you have the same name as her, first name, that is, not second name, seeing as your second name is Jane and Mary Poppins’ second name is Poppins, or maybe she has a middle name,” to which I responded that I didn’t know if Mary Poppins had a middle name or who Mary Poppins was, and then I went to the library to check a VHS tape out, and the short-skirted library lady went into a dusty backroom where the lights didn’t work, and then, lo and behold, she was holding a torn VHS tape of Mary Poppins, and on the cover was the lady I assumed was Mary Poppins, who was holding an umbrella and floating above the city (?), and she was wearing a long skirt, covering even her ankles, and I tell you I almost died when I saw it, because the library lady was so… well, I could see her knees, you know, but on the cover of the tape was a person who was the picture of beauty, with kind eyes and rosy cheeks, the way cheeks ought to be, and most importantly, a lady who knew how to dress faithfully, it was like I understood her essence as soon as I laid eyes on her, we had this mutual understanding, and, anyways, I skipped all the way home, I was so happy, and I put it into the VHS player, straight away, straight away, and the music started and the credits rolled, and IT WAS THE MOST OFFENSIVE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, not that I’ve seen many movies aside from Pyotr Patterstein’s commentary on motherhood (he does not emphasize the importance of making breakfast for your child, and I punched a hole in the TV screen, take that Pyotr Patterstein), but I could say a million things about the CLOTHES these people wear, besides Mary Poppins, whom I love and am in love with and is probably the most perfect woman to walk the earth, and I certainly understand her ESSENCE, that is, what makes Mary Poppins Mary Poppins, the core of her heart, her soul, her mind: what I mean to say is that I understand her, except for one thing that was incredibly problematic, to me, which was the song “spoonful of SUGAR helps the MEDICINE go down”—and how does this make any sense (huh?), because I would never tell anyone to eat SUGAR with their MEDICINE, it seems naive and clumsy and plain corrupt!, but I do not think that Mary Poppins meant to say those words, no, they were put in her mouth by some lousy writer who believes that IBUPROFEN and the rest of MODERN MEDICINE work, a writer who does not, and cannot, understand that medicine does not, the only healing things you can buy are essential oils, arugula, and the complete set of 13 Pathway Readers, and I cannot IMAGINE a) buying sugar, cane sugar, refined, processed, non-natural cane sugar, and b) mixing it with ESSENTIAL OILS, which are ESSENTIAL for health, and calm, and prosperity, ask any woman who dresses in ankle-length denim dresses like I do, she’ll tell you, but anyways, I do not think Mary Poppins meant to say those words—I believe she knows that essential oils are the world’s True Cure, the One Medicine To Heal Them All—and I do not believe she would ever buy sugar, the world’s GREAT CURSE, but the writers and creators of the movie did not understand that, they did not understand the ESSENCE of Mary Poppins, at least not like I do, so they forced her, or the actress who played her, but they’re the same person, aren’t they (?), the actress and the character (?), but they made her say words that weren’t hers, or at least, that is what I think, or my name isn’t Mary Jane, not Mary Poppins, I am only reviewing Mary Poppins, you can tell we’re different because our names our different, see, mine is Jane and Poppins’ is Poppins, and I hope you gained insight through my humble words, but I need to go, it is 5:00 at night and I should have been asleep 30 minutes ago, if my mother knew I was awake she would yell, so goodnight.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools! Don't forget to breath!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.