Disclaimer: The events, individuals, and quotes included in this article are entirely fictitious and have been created for the purpose of humor.
Berrien Springs, Michigan — February 28, 2024 — Andrews University was thrust into a whirlwind of chaos as a series of unexpected weather phenomena crashed onto campus grounds. Witnesses likened the scenes to a Hollywood disaster movie. Michigan locals, however, barely noticed something strange had transpired.
The chaos began on Feb. 27, a Tuesday that started with pleasant sunny skies, but was suddenly bombarded by violent evening winds, multiple tornado touchdowns, and an unanticipated snowstorm that blanketed the university campus in white the following day.
This week, the Federal Weather Investigations Unit stated in a press release that the weather phenomena were caused by students in Southern Adventist University’s new meteorology program. A group of undergraduates were attempting to stop rain from ever again hitting their campus in Collegedale, Tennessee, using a “weather-modification device.” Under the mistaken belief that the device was malfunctioning, the students inadvertently triggered a series of severe weather events over the Andrews campus 600 miles away.
“We’re just so tired of walking into class drenched and cold,” said Beth Ann Jones, a Southern freshman meteorology major who was involved in the mishap. “We actually had an inch of snow in January this year. An inch. Did you hear me? That’s unacceptable.”
Despite the dramatic nature of the weather unfolding outdoors in Berrien Springs, many students and faculty members at Andrews remained oblivious to the chaos. University administration declined to comment on the situation, citing unawareness of the events.
“I think we would remember that,” stated an anonymous university leader.
Professor Weatherby of the space botanical program stated how cultural influences might have impacted the campus’s apathetic response.
“Perhaps there was a tornado, though I can’t say for certain,” he said. “ ... We didn’t notice. This is just Michigan.”
He commented further that he and his wife enjoyed the “slight breeze” during their evening stroll on Feb. 27, around the time when three tornadoes had broken ground on campus.
During the snowstorm, students were walking around in “shorts and snapbacks,” according to Renee Day, a sophomore culinary media major. Some students took advantage of the snowy conditions to make snow angels and skate across campus. Meanwhile, non-locals bundled up for the harsh weather but continued to attend classes.
“I think it's important to embrace weather diversity,” stated Tina Doh, a Florida resident studying liberal aquatics at Andrews, while on the scene wearing multiple layers of jackets and geothermal pants. “I didn’t question … ” Unfortunately, before Doh was able to finish her statement, she was unexpectedly blown away by a stray tornado in the area.
However, not all Andrews students were as understanding.
Laytford Klass, senior wildlife whisperer major, claimed that, due to Southern’s interference with the weather, he arrived at class unprepared for an exam.
The morning of Feb. 28, while navigating the debris-strewn streets, Laytford’s car was struck by a peculiar projectile: a swirling ball of jackets hurtling through the air. To his astonishment, the bundle of clothing revealed itself to be none other than Doh, whose extensive layers of outerwear had protected her against the crash. She appeared unharmed.
“Yeah, she just hit the car, almost cracked my windshield,” Laytford said. “I think she’s in my accounting class?”
He later entered the classroom disoriented and stressed, which he attributed to his incident with Doh, but his friends believe his state was more related to his extended “Buzzfeed: Unsolved” marathon the night before the exam.
Klass firmly believes his failing grade is a result of the weather-induced encounter with Doh, interpreting it as “a sign of bad luck.” Subsequently, he has sent numerous emails to Southern’s meteorology program asking for a sincere apology.
“I just want someone who understands the weight of what I've been through,” he expressed, before returning to his TV marathon.
In response to Klass’ demand, Southern acknowledges the unintended consequences of new technology and extends a sincere apology to all students and faculty affected. Additionally, Southern promises to fulfill Klass’ request for its weather-modification device to make a sunny day on his birthday, as he wishes to go ultimate frisbee-ing with his friends.
Editor’s Note: This article is a part of “Satire Swap” between Seventh-day Adventist university student publications. Southern Adventist University’s publication, Southern Accent, wrote this piece for Andrews University’s Student Movement.
Read more articles created by other universities for the Satire Swap below:
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From Golden State to gravy land: Westerners shocked by ‘Southern’ living
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The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.