A new wave of tariffs imposed by the White House this week has targeted a variety of exported items, including stripples, the mock-bacon food product that has become a true Andrews University fan's favorite breakfast ingredient. According to U.S. President Donald J. Trump’s administration, the rationale for the stripple ban is its high production cost and advocacy of “woke” meat.
Although stripples were first created in the U.S., production facilities are now located in Cozumel, Mexico, a nation that the current administration has had a rocky relationship with. The tariff will cause a 30% markup on importing stripples for both the Mexican agricultural company StripDown and for US consumers.
The tariffs are expected to cause debilitating price increases for not only stripples but also many other types of fake meat, including Sam’s chicken, Beyond Burgers and Big Franks. The effects of the tariffs have already manifested in the Gazebo, where observant students may have noticed shortages in many fake meat items over the past week.
Economists and vegetarians the world over have already expressed their confusion and frustration with the tariffs. Harvard economist Andy Cardinal has called the tariffs “nonsensical.”
“I don’t know why this administration feels the need to punish those who prefer eating stripples and other wonderful fake meat options to consuming the flesh of our animal brethren,” said Cardinal, while wiping a fat tear from his hollow eye. “I’m going to have to start eating nuts and seeds! What’s next? Tariffs on seeds?”
The Trump administration is expected to announce seed tariffs in the upcoming fiscal quarter.
Surprisingly, a loud proponent of stripples is famed actor Andrew Garfield.
“Fake or not, stripples deserve their place in society,” he said.
Garfield shared with the Student Movement that his love for stripples started when he was filming the 2016 movie, “Hacksaw Ridge.” The movie, which centers around Seventh-day Adventist World War II veteran Desmond Doss, inspired Garfield to take a closer look at the Adventist lifestyle, which eventually led him to wonderful, tasty stripples.
While the future looks bleak for stripples, there may be some unexpected help on the way. Clever faux meat manufacturers have noticed that if a new fake meat product is invented, it would be exempt from the current tariffs. As a result, America’s top scientists have been scrambling to synthesize a new type of fake chicken, knowing that if they are the first to succeed, they can name the product after themselves.
“I really want Bob’s Chicken to work out,” says Bob Mahobber, a Filipino food scientist. “Sam has gotten all of the praise ever since he struck it big. It’s Bob’s turn, baby.”
Despite the higher cost of stripples, the Andrews University administration is committed to bringing the lovable veggie bacon back to campus soon, no matter the cost.
“Some tough decisions will have to be made in order to keep including stripples in the budget,” said a university administrator who sought to remain anonymous. “The first place we’re going to look to make some cuts in is our theology department and our Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary. The whole program is on the chopping block.”
Students and employees will wait eagerly to see if their beloved fake bacon bits will be back on the menu soon.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools’ Day!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.