Case Study on Communicating in the Newlywed Couple

              Ysebel’s was at the end of her rope.   She had given Manny his space for three days now, since Marisol, his 13 year old sister, dropped out of school.  Days had gone by and Manny was showing no signs that he was even starting to cool off.  Manny and Marisol fought about it in great detail several nights ago, to no avail. Ysebel could relate to both of their feelings, so she made things worse by trying to help Manny see Marisol’s side as well.  This only made Manny feel like Ysebel was siding against him, and now he was angry at her too.  Albert and Carmella, Marisol’s parents were also very disappointed in her.  But Manny was also angry at them because even though they were upset at Marisol, their anger was directed more at the school district and the poor quality of education that hopelessly penalized their children than enforcing that she stay in school. In his anger Manny turned emotionally inward to his shell and was not speaking to anybody about anything. 

              The most unfortunate thing was that Marisol was a gifted student and she always made the top grades in her class.  Manny was the proud older brother, always protective of his younger siblings.  However, Marisol was tired of being bullied and intimidated by her classmates and she was frustrated by the lack of mental stimulation from her teachers.  Manny was not interested in hearing her excuses for quitting, he had high hopes that Marisol would go to college and make something important of her self.  Marisol was convinced that her school had nothing positive to offer her and there was no reason to continue.  Manny had dropped out of high school too and knew from experience that quitting school led to a dead end street.  Everyone involved had very strong feelings in different directions.

              Although Manny and Ysebel had made a lot of progress in relation to learning to listen to one another better, this situation emphasized how much they continued to have difficulty expressing themselves especially in emotionally charged situations like this one.  In fact when it comes to communicating, Manny seems to have a lot of ability to make statements of facts, but he refuses to dig below the surface and talk about his feelings.  Ysebel likewise has no problem expressing her opinion, but she does not always disclose her feelings either. 

              One of Manny’s problems is that he lacks a wide vocabulary of responsive words.   He can express weather things are either “good” or “bad” and what he thinks of a situation but he is not able to use exact words to express his mood.  He superficially describes what he is doing as a substitution for emotional conversation.  Manny told Marisol “Your wasting your life, I’m not going to stand by and watch you do this to yourself.”  So now he is punishing everyone with the silent treatment and for the last three days he has not spoken to her, to Ysebel, or to his parents.  How effective is that kind of communication?  He expressed his feelings by his behavior but his words did not expressing how he actually felt at all and this lack of information blocked creating necessary dialog.  He could have used other words with possibly greater success, like: “I feel devastated that you are throwing your life away, please reconsider.” Or “I feel sick inside because you have so much more potential than I ever had and you deserve to go so much farther in your life than you give yourself credit for.”   More expressive words could have been, “If only you could know how much this hurts me to see you quitting on your future, I will do what ever it takes to keep you in school.”   Manny is making a common mistake.  He thinks he is expressing his feelings effectively by expressing his anger.  But his anger has the opposite effect of closing communication rather than producing a much more effective line of reasoning with a verbal expression of feelings.

              Often in everyday conversation with Ysebel Manny fails to use words that express his exact feelings.  Like last week, one evening he simply stood up and sounding irritated, announced “I’m going to bed.”  Ysebel was not tired so she stayed up and watched television till late that evening.  Manny’s feelings he did not express were, “I want to spend time with you, but you seem more interested in your show.  So because I feel neglected and bored I might as well go to bed because I have nothing better to do.”  If he had used exact word to express his feelings then in this situation Ysebel would have gladly turned off the television and spent the rest of the evening with him.

              On the other hand Ysebel will speak her mind at first impulse.  She will blurt out her first thought that comes out of her head which often results in her saying things she regrets later.  Siding with Marisol was an example of being caught up in the moment and not considering the importance of her words before she said them.  Rather than waiting for the urge to speak her mind to subside or waiting for the most appropriate time to express her point of view she rushes in afraid that if she waits she may forget what she wanted to say or worse yet her words may not seem as important than at the present time when her intensity can make a more dramatic impact.  Tact and a better use of timing can become very effective tools to help Ysebel improve her communication skills.

Discussion Questions:

1.  Have your spouse tell you if he/she thinks you are always successful in expressing your feelings verbally rather than angrily.

2.  Have your spouse share with you how you can use tact and a better use of timing to improve your communication.

3.  What are some steps you can make in order to improve your vocabulary of responsive words?

4.  In what ways can you improve your communication with God by using exact verbal words to expressive your feelings to God more effectively?

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