BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI – Andrews University’s Lamson Hall is slated for a long-awaited demolition this summer, an administrative spokesperson recently confirmed.
Lamson Hall, one of the oldest buildings on campus, has served as the dormitory for undergraduate women for nearly 75 years. Its amenities are unmatched, with services including laundry machines comparable to McDonald's ice cream machines, detachable vanities (since they literally do detach often), and a fire alarm system that will definitely catch every fire set within the facility, as well as every microwaved cookie.
Along with both suite and community rooms available, students have had a semi-voluntary option of having a window with a campus view or courtyard view. Furthermore, the latter has an extra added bonus of three brick walls and a tendency to count down the weeks until Daylight Savings Time.
Nevertheless, this home away from home for students and shower mold alike will be demolished this summer, as per the terms of an anonymous grant given to the university to rebuild the residence hall from the ground up. These mysterious donors specified that the new dormitory must include electronic key card room entry, at least five music practice spaces, three vending machine areas, a fully renovated health club with new equipment, and rooms that are actually designed to house two people.
Semester rates for the new residence hall are projected to be at $12,000.
In addition to ripping the brick structure to justifiable shreds, campus faculty have collaborated with the demolition contractors to give current residents in the local area a time slot to pay their final disrespects.
On the evening of June 20 (the summer solstice), students who have previously resided in Lamson Hall during the school year will have the opportunity to commit supervised arson in one of the dormitories’ two courtyards as the sun sets. On top of this, the contractors assert that, for a special fee, students may enter their former dorm room with a professional escort and douse the entire carpet with lavender-scented gasoline. Contractors claim that this gasoline will come from the third-floor kitchen’s oil grease, but that has yet to be confirmed by any on-campus source.
For whoever decides to pay the ceremonial fee, administrators intend to allocate the collected funds towards one of five future projects of the student’s choosing:
- Twenty elliptical machines on each floor of the Wellness Center;
- A fifteen-foot tall bust of Andrea Luxton, intended to replace the sculpture outside of the Science Complex;
- A $4000 bonus for any student who works in the financial records department in the administration building (so, me);
- A garden of wax tulips on the roof of the library; or
- An on-campus gas station that accepts cafeteria budget funds, solely available for students who own fully electric vehicles.
Official work is reported to begin on June 21, immediately after the ceremonies.
PS: This isn’t real. Apparently Lamson is going to get some renovations over the summer, but I’m (finally) moving out before that happens. Good luck to y’all tho.
*DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE (please don’t get upset) Happy April Fools!*
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.